I have always been fascinated with the night sky. Taking my camera with me to remote locations, usually by myself, and trying to capture the sparkling pin lights hundreds to thousands of light-years away. And it seems whether in good times or bad—the sky has always been a reminder of my insignificance or the insignificance of my problems. But recently I haven’t been doing a great job on perspective. I’ve been really grateful to close friends and family lately who have been there and who continually have to tell me the same things over and over. I have been a broken record for the past few months, and my emotions are a mess.
I encountered my first blackhole this year. I fell in love with an abusive boyfriend. Of course he didn’t start out that way. He was charming, successful, outdoorsy, and won my trust. Actually—he worked really hard to earn my trust and he has many great attributes I love about him, but little by little his anger and bossiness turned to yelling, his yelling turned into verbal abuse and name calling. And finally—he got violent with me one night giving me bruises and physically hurting me. Can’t stubbornness be a good thing? I know some people close to me blame me for the physical abuse because I was being stubborn and not getting out of his car. The reason behind my redheaded stubbornness was because I was trying to talk about the girls he cheated on me with. Can anyone else out there relate to the pain of silent treatment? Especially when it pertains to the relationship? It hurts sometimes just as much as his yelling. I messed up by not moving out of his car and trying to make him talk about his indiscretions, but I didn’t deserve violence. I did not deserve to be hurt.
To all the people out there that knows what it feels like to be cheated on or abused: how did you make it through and recover? Do you ever stop crying? Especially when you still love the person? Do you ever understand what happened? Does your stomach stop feeling sick?
I fell into his blackhole.
And I feel like my spirit has been destroyed. My reactions to all of this have been embarrassing and would make someone who hasn’t ever been abused cringe. My self-respect is low. I have even begged for any scrap of friendship thrown my way from him. This is not me. How did I get so utterly debased?
What the world sees outside of his blackhole: he is a wonderful and talented kayaker. He helps war veterans and the disabled enjoy outdoor sports, he is a hard worker and is building his kayak business, he is on nonprofit boards, OR tourism board, and city councils, and I’m sure the list could go on. But they don’t know about what happens behind closed doors. About his dark nights with no stars or moon or hope of morning. And what makes it worse is I believe in him still and love him. It is just easier for him to move on to the next girl he cheated on me with rather than change. And they never change right? I’m told this, but really—do they?
I am going to counseling and trying to keep busy and involved in activities. But I still need a miracle where my blackhole is concerned and catch myself daydreaming about one often. But like my friend Jason said, “Sometimes we get the miracles we need even if it is not the miracle we want.”
Perhaps…my miracle is still being able to see the nightsky and hopefully the Northern Lights in 2015. In the meantime the only advice I can give is stay away from blackholes. Not only will you never fully understand them. You will never survive. Or at least be the same person once you get out. This is my recovery blog and hoping to get wisdom and support from others as well as be a refuge to anyone going through the same thing.