All or None

If only abusive exes were 100% evil. But they’re not. I doubt even Lucifer was 100% evil or he wouldn’t have had (theoretically speaking) almost half of heaven’s angels’ follow him.

Sam Drevo and Mojo under the observatory in the gorge

It is okay to remember the good times. The times when he was gentle or loving. The times where he treated you like you were of some value and important to him. But now that you know him and know how he can be—you probably understand that it is not okay even if 10% of him is abusive. I would tell you to run even if he were 0.01% abusive. Abuse is not okay in any of its forms: emotional, verbal, or physical, and you are worthy of respect. No amount of abuse is okay, no matter the excuse.

I know I would have better closure myself if the ex were completely evil. I would somehow be able to categorize his treatment, make sense of it, but with narcissistic and abusive personalities—you will never have closure. They are a blackhole, and they will only suck the essence of who you are out. Maybe you see it already – your energy, your love, your beauty being pulled out – into his blackhole– by his treatment of you.

Do what you need to do to do to move past him and see there are still good people in the world. Find support in a group or Domestic Violence Center. Talk to your close friends or family. Travel or pick up a new hobby. Pamper yourself. Don’t get bummed if you can’t seem to get the same amount of things done as you used to, or if you need to just hide from the world. You are healing. You experienced a trauma. Do whatever it takes to feel good about yourself again. Stay safe and if you feel threatened don’t hesitate to report him or get a restraining order. Your life will never be able to move on unless you go No Contact as much as possible. Little by little you will get yourself back, and you will see that life without him is worth living after all.