All or None

If only abusive exes were 100% evil. But they’re not. I doubt even Lucifer was 100% evil or he wouldn’t have had (theoretically speaking) almost half of heaven’s angels’ follow him.

Sam Drevo and Mojo under the observatory in the gorge

It is okay to remember the good times. The times when he was gentle or loving. The times where he treated you like you were of some value and important to him. But now that you know him and know how he can be—you probably understand that it is not okay even if 10% of him is abusive. I would tell you to run even if he were 0.01% abusive. Abuse is not okay in any of its forms: emotional, verbal, or physical, and you are worthy of respect. No amount of abuse is okay, no matter the excuse.

I know I would have better closure myself if the ex were completely evil. I would somehow be able to categorize his treatment, make sense of it, but with narcissistic and abusive personalities—you will never have closure. They are a blackhole, and they will only suck the essence of who you are out. Maybe you see it already – your energy, your love, your beauty being pulled out – into his blackhole– by his treatment of you.

Do what you need to do to do to move past him and see there are still good people in the world. Find support in a group or Domestic Violence Center. Talk to your close friends or family. Travel or pick up a new hobby. Pamper yourself. Don’t get bummed if you can’t seem to get the same amount of things done as you used to, or if you need to just hide from the world. You are healing. You experienced a trauma. Do whatever it takes to feel good about yourself again. Stay safe and if you feel threatened don’t hesitate to report him or get a restraining order. Your life will never be able to move on unless you go No Contact as much as possible. Little by little you will get yourself back, and you will see that life without him is worth living after all.


Domestic Violence Center/He Won’t Change

Abuse happens more often than you think. It may feel like you won’t be able to recover or make it through, but you can. You are strong enough and worthy to be loved. Do not let his treatment of you reflect your worth. (I am guilty there and still struggling with this.)

I know what it feels like to be betrayed with cheating and emotional, verbal, and physical abuse. It’s hard when you still care about and love the person. You value their opinion. You remember when they were gentle or the times they put you first. You grasp on to any kindness leaking out from them. You are human after all.

They are clever, and they’ll never show the world their true colors or nature. But you know. You’ve seen it. You’ve experienced their apologies, the way it feels to be loved by them, but you’ve also experienced their abuse: their devaluing, their yelling, their disrespect with other women. And I know you realize deep inside that they will not change. Not for good. The book “Why Does He Do That” helped me realize this.

They are a blackhole. Please get out before they destroy your spirit completely. And because I need to hear it again myself—I will tell you that He Will Not Change.

For me—I didn’t want to be a silent woman or leave his next victim without any backup. There is more than just an option of filing charges. (Though I think pressing charges is appropriate for some women-I had no idea there was any other option than that.) You have the option of placing an information report. I did, as it seemed the best way to wipe my hands and still feel like I did something. I went through a Women’s Domestic Violence organization. (Big cities usually have a DV center.) There I worked with a detective in the Sheriff’s department. Usually DV centers have a detective who is supportive and can tell you your options. This was the case for me. I never felt support until I went here. Finally, what I was going through was understood. I wasn’t judged or told I was an idiot for staying with an abuser for so long. They just wanted to help.

The police have on file the photos of my bruises (time stamped if you can), the texts and emails talking of abuse. Even the emails his Dad sent me speaking of when the ex was violent against his own Dad two years prior. Give the detective/police anything that will build a case. Even if you’re not the one bringing the case against him, and it’s years down the road by his next victim—your filing will help her case. The positive about an information report is the abuser has no idea it is there. He will not be contacted. He will not get revenge because he doesn’t know about it. He will be listed as a suspect only, and his name will be tagged if he abuses again the future.

I am sorry this has happened to you, but there are people who understand and can help.

Women don’t have to live in fear:

Male victims of abuse can call:

After the Discard: The Other Woman

This post has really helped me as I can relate to every single word. Every woman (or man) dealing with a narcissistic ex should follow Kim Saeed. Recovering from abuse seems to be a daily trial for me, and as I lapsed today – I turned to her blog for support. Be reassured that it’s not you, and the new supply he cheated on you with – will not last.

Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed

Snake Cake North Star Cakes

Being discarded by a Narcissist is one of the most painful experiences victims endure…well, after the heart-wrenching devalue phase.  It’s like icing on an insidious, poisonous cake for which only Narcissists hold the recipe.

The Discard

After being discarded, you believe it’s your fault.  You obsess over whether you could have done things differently.  You languish over your abuser, brooding over whether there’s a chance to win him back and prove your worth.

That’s precisely what he wants.

You see, while he was preening the new supply behind your back, he was busy telling you (and everyone within a 50-mile radius) everything that’s wrong with you and your place in the demise of the relationship.  He wants you to believe you are the one who drove him into the arms of another woman.  And that’s what victims believe.  Every time.

Narcissists need you to think the problems…

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