Kickass Women

So I have found in reconciling with abuse in a past relationship, my self-worth has been struggling. Lately, I have been remembering things he’d yell or say. My spirit has really been hurting. Even when you know the irrationality of things that happened or ways he’d demean me—I am still hurt and confused. I loved him so had put value in his words and opinions. So tonight, I turned to ladies who have inspired me. Ones I can look to and draw strength from their character. Perhaps you can add your own strong female characters be it from novels or real life.

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Eowyn, shieldmaiden of Rohan

Eowyn—she is a shieldmaiden of Rohan in Lord of the Rings. And she was inspiring to me in her strength as well as her vulnerability. Even when left behind from battle, and thwarted in love with Aragorn—she still amazes by not giving up and fighting for what she believes in. Protecting her uncle Theoden, the king, she hacks of the head of the Nazgul. When the witch-king of Angmar tells her no man can defeat him. She takes off her helmet, revealing her long blonde hair. “No living man am I! You look upon a woman! Éowyn I am, Éomund’s daughter. Begone if you be not deathless! For living or dark undead, I will smite you, if you touch him!”

When she was practicing her swordsmanship in the castle, Aragorn asked her. “What do you fear, lady?”

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Lagertha from Vikings

“A cage,” [Éowyn] said. “To stay behind bars, until use and old age accept them, and all chance of doing great deeds is gone beyond recall or desire.”

Lagertha—another shieldmaiden (what’s up with that?) from the show Vikings. She is tough and beautiful. She also loves her husband Ragnar Lodbrok more than anything. They grew up together and seem like a perfect match. Yet when he gets another woman pregnant and designs to bring her into their home—Lagertha is strong enough to leave. She leaves everything behind: her friends, the place where she grew up, the love of her life, and takes with her a broken heart and dignity I can only hope to have a sliver of someday. But it’s not the end of the story. She eventually becomes an earl, fights side by side in battle with her husband again, and… we know he still loves her. So for all the women where the husband cheats or abuses—remember Lagertha. Draw strength from her.

Amelia Peabody—nope this one isn’t a shieldmaiden, but an archaeologist in the late 1800s. It’s a book series by Elizabeth Peters, and in these books—Amelia is always doing what’s right, standing up for women, helping the poor, solving mysteries, and making great archaeological discoveries…all the while maintaining her colorful relationship with her fellow archaeologist husband Emerson. Strength of character and personality radiate from her presence in the books, and I adore her.

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Claire from Outlander

Claire—in the Outlander series. I have loved these books for a while, and I’m even more thrilled with the series. Claire has always been inspiring in her stubbornness, her medical abilities (you should see how she can set a bone), brilliant mind, and in her love for her husband (whether in England or Scotland).

Danae—she’s one of my best friends, and both her and her husband are doctors in Tchad, Africa. They have three children (which is tough in itself in a country filled with malaria and corruption), and Nae reminds me of everything a woman should be: strong enough to stand up for the bribery, fraud, and abuse she sees, gentle enough to give compassion when there’s death and heartbreak. And a kickass mom and surgeon.1900484_10152601334021331_1889197454944409830_o

Okay your turn. Share your inspirations.    

All or None

If only abusive exes were 100% evil. But they’re not. I doubt even Lucifer was 100% evil or he wouldn’t have had (theoretically speaking) almost half of heaven’s angels’ follow him.

Sam Drevo and Mojo under the observatory in the gorge

It is okay to remember the good times. The times when he was gentle or loving. The times where he treated you like you were of some value and important to him. But now that you know him and know how he can be—you probably understand that it is not okay even if 10% of him is abusive. I would tell you to run even if he were 0.01% abusive. Abuse is not okay in any of its forms: emotional, verbal, or physical, and you are worthy of respect. No amount of abuse is okay, no matter the excuse.

I know I would have better closure myself if the ex were completely evil. I would somehow be able to categorize his treatment, make sense of it, but with narcissistic and abusive personalities—you will never have closure. They are a blackhole, and they will only suck the essence of who you are out. Maybe you see it already – your energy, your love, your beauty being pulled out – into his blackhole– by his treatment of you.

Do what you need to do to do to move past him and see there are still good people in the world. Find support in a group or Domestic Violence Center. Talk to your close friends or family. Travel or pick up a new hobby. Pamper yourself. Don’t get bummed if you can’t seem to get the same amount of things done as you used to, or if you need to just hide from the world. You are healing. You experienced a trauma. Do whatever it takes to feel good about yourself again. Stay safe and if you feel threatened don’t hesitate to report him or get a restraining order. Your life will never be able to move on unless you go No Contact as much as possible. Little by little you will get yourself back, and you will see that life without him is worth living after all.