Abuse happens more often than you think. It may feel like you won’t be able to recover or make it through, but you can. You are strong enough and worthy to be loved. Do not let his treatment of you reflect your worth. (I am guilty there and still struggling with this.)
I know what it feels like to be betrayed with cheating and emotional, verbal, and physical abuse. It’s hard when you still care about and love the person. You value their opinion. You remember when they were gentle or the times they put you first. You grasp on to any kindness leaking out from them. You are human after all.
They are clever, and they’ll never show the world their true colors or nature. But you know. You’ve seen it. You’ve experienced their apologies, the way it feels to be loved by them, but you’ve also experienced their abuse: their devaluing, their yelling, their disrespect with other women. And I know you realize deep inside that they will not change. Not for good. The book “Why Does He Do That” helped me realize this.
They are a blackhole. Please get out before they destroy your spirit completely. And because I need to hear it again myself—I will tell you that He Will Not Change.
For me—I didn’t want to be a silent woman or leave his next victim without any backup. There is more than just an option of filing charges. (Though I think pressing charges is appropriate for some women-I had no idea there was any other option than that.) You have the option of placing an information report. I did, as it seemed the best way to wipe my hands and still feel like I did something. I went through a Women’s Domestic Violence organization. (Big cities usually have a DV center.) There I worked with a detective in the Sheriff’s department. Usually DV centers have a detective who is supportive and can tell you your options. This was the case for me. I never felt support until I went here. Finally, what I was going through was understood. I wasn’t judged or told I was an idiot for staying with an abuser for so long. They just wanted to help.
The police have on file the photos of my bruises (time stamped if you can), the texts and emails talking of abuse. Even the emails his Dad sent me speaking of when the ex was violent against his own Dad two years prior. Give the detective/police anything that will build a case. Even if you’re not the one bringing the case against him, and it’s years down the road by his next victim—your filing will help her case. The positive about an information report is the abuser has no idea it is there. He will not be contacted. He will not get revenge because he doesn’t know about it. He will be listed as a suspect only, and his name will be tagged if he abuses again the future.
I am sorry this has happened to you, but there are people who understand and can help.
Women don’t have to live in fear:
- In the US: call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE).
- UK: call Women’s Aid at 0808 2000 247.
- Australia: call 1800RESPECT at 1800 737 732.
- Worldwide: visit International Directory of Domestic Violence Agencies for a global list of helplines and crisis centers.
Male victims of abuse can call:
- U.S. and Canada: The Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men & Women
- UK: ManKind Initiative
- Australia: One in Three Campaign